Don't Have The Cow- Los Coloniales

Somebody asked me recently what rules I would implement if I were president of my own island. While I was thinking this over, we went through all of the obvious choices and conundrums; whether to legalise drugs or keep them at arms length of the law and if we would ban smoking completely. Someone may have half-heartedly entertained the idea of the death penalty and we pondered philosophically on how far we would go with the law-making before our (mostly-shared) ideal of a free society became strangled?

One of my initial thoughts revolved around food production, more specifically the consumption of meat and animal products and how necessary this is for an enjoyable, fulfilling, modern lifestyle.

I don’t eat much meat as a rule. This is not because I dislike the stuff- I clearly don’t as when I eat out, I tend to end up face down in a pile of grilled animal and it’s not because I’m particularly into animal rights (I’d love to try whaling!) Basically, it’s because I find meat expensive to buy in supermarkets or my local market, often of poor quality and frankly, as I’m not much of a chef, a bit of a hassle to cook or at least to make interesting time after time.

Growing up, most evening meals contained some meat, more often than not, pork or chicken and at the time I took this for granted (except for my stint as a veginetarian or whatever they’re called, but that's another story and it wasn’t for an entirely honourable reason).

Although as a child I had the luxury of eating meat for dinner most nights, I firmly believe now that eating meat should not be taken for granted and doesn’t need to make up such a large part of the average diet. Living alone, I know that eating meat every night is both uneconomical, unhealthy (for me, anyway) and, thinking on a wider scale, un-environmentally friendly. I much prefer to eat meat when it is of the best quality and given the treatment it truly deserves at the hands of a skilled cook.

I decided that if I had my own island, meat production and consumption would be limited or at least the idea of a limited meat consumption would be encouraged.

What was strange about this decision was that I took it straight after consuming what must have been at least 250g of incredibly tasty, slightly fatty, lightly barbecued pork churrasco. It was good; a ripe and perfect balance between almost crispy, charcoal-y, fibrous meat, and delightful, creamy deposits of fat throughout. It came served with a good dose of fried potatoes and peppers and a generous side splash of mojo picón, a spanish bbq sauce which is both vinagry and sweet but also ludicrously salty at the same time (Mediterranean longevity my clinkers. Everything here is slathered in salt, even the fruit and if you can find me a Spaniard who doesn’t smoke at least 20 Ducados a day, I'll take up the habit myself).

It was damn good, although nowhere near mind blowing. What is mind blowing about the churrasco at Los Coloniales is the price of the thing. For that much pig, no more than 3.55 of your hard earned Euros will leave your pocket. You can spend the rest on private health care to treat your high blood pressure.

It's something I'll never get my head round until someone explains to me the minutae of factory farming and supply and demand; how can that much meat, plus potatoes and service and cooking hours come to the same as a pack of Camels? I enjoyed what I ate but I admit it’s what got me thinking about meat production and the worrying lack of value put on the end product. (Incidentally, I’m not trying to confuse you here- a caravan of camels would cost much more than a few Euros- I meant the brand of cigarettes and now I realise I should have just written Marlboros. Has anyone ever eaten camel? If so, please let me know what it was like.)

Again, I’m not much of an animal rights person but I can’t help but feel that the simple existence of an animal, the space and the time and the money that it costs to rear the thing is being made into a joke and a non-issue when you can buy a large quantity of meat for the price of a couple of beers. The importance of how we handle and grow our food is being brushed aside for a few moments of satisfaction on a Wednesday night. It must come down to the old maxim of quality not quantity, with freshness and a higher price tag equalling nutrients and benefits and most importantly taste and the cheap and processed being a pale imitation of the raw material in so many ways.

Although both the churrasco and the solomillo are good, and extremely generous, meat is not the only option at Los Coloniales. There is a wide variety of Spanish staples on offer and some more besides. The restaurant is part of a mini chain of places with the same menu and same wonky service. Our waiter always seems to end up being this guy who acts like he’s withdrawing from a drug habit and his eyes occasionally roll back into his head in an alarming manner like he's about to keel over. I don’t mind this as long as he is carrying someone else's beer and not mine.

That aside, Coloniales is an extremely popular place and waiting times can be up to an hour depending on when you go. Midweek is best, but once you get a table, you’ll still probably have to sit outside under the patio heaters (hmm, cheap factory farmed meat and planet killing patio heaters- I realise I’m not selling this place to the Guardian readers).

I think though, if the tree huggers could look past these crimes, they would certainly have an enjoyable, and almost as importantly, cheap dining experience.

Apart from meat dishes, there are a number of decent veggie options on the menu. We tried the calamares del campo which consisted of a plate of lightly fried onion and pepper rings of different colours which wasn‘t very exciting but at least it added a bit of colour to a Spanish tapas menu, where 97% of what‘s usually on offer is either yellow or white or beige/brown.

I am a big fan of aubergine so I made someone else order the berenjenas rellenas (stuffed aubergines). Although berenjenas rellenas aren’t difficult to find here in Seville, Coloniales do the best example I’ve tasted- meaty aubergine flesh, still retaining it’s shape, filled with all sorts of tasty bits and pieces.

Serious veggies should watch out though, as they contain prawns. And bits of dead, decaying animal carcass which squeal and leak frothing blood everywhere. Mmmm.